I, Garry Leech, declare myself president of the United States of America. There I did it. I am now the leader of the most powerful nation on earth. “By what right?” you ask. By the right of the new democratic political process recently implemented in Venezuela and endorsed by the US government. This is how I am restoring democracy in the United States. In the same manner that the new self-declared president of Venezuela, Juan Guaidó, with the backing of the US government, is restoring democracy in Venezuela: through the ouster of a democratically elected leader.
Now I realize that most US Americans have never heard of me, but only one in four Venezuelans had heard of Guaidó before he declared himself president of Venezuela on January 22nd. And you might argue that I have never run for national office in the United States. But that didn’t stop Guaidó. Finally, you might declare that such a move on my part is unconstitutional. And you’d be correct. But that also didn’t prevent Guaidó from declaring himself president. Nor did it stop the United States, Canada and a handful of other imperialist nations from recognizing him. Apparently, democracy in the 21st century doesn’t require abiding by constitutions; nor does it require elections. And so, following the precedent established by Guaidó and his foreign backers, I unilaterally declare myself president of the United States as part of this new democratic order.
One thing that Guaidó does have going for him that I don’t at this point is foreign recognition of his self-declared presidency. But I intend to fix that by working covertly with the governments of Russia and China, as Guaidó did with the US government prior to his self-appointment, in order to obtain their support for my presidency. Once again, following the Venezuelan precedent, getting recognition from such powerful nations will mean that my presidency will be legitimate.
Of course, Russia and China will want something in return for recognizing me as president of the United States. Most likely they will want unfettered access to our country’s vast natural resources. The relationship between the new self-declared president of Venezuela and the United States has also established a precedent regarding such a quid pro quo. Less than a week after the Trump administration recognized Guaidó as the legitimate president of Venezuela, US National Security Advisor John Bolton stated, “We’re in conversation with major American companies now … It’ll make a big difference to the United States economically if we can have American oil companies really invest in and produce the oil capabilities in Venezuela.”
Naturally, it is not only my personal thirst for power and the desire of Russia and China to access our natural resources that are motivating factors behind my declaration as president and foreign support for our new democratic process. There is also the need for humanitarian intervention to end the suffering endured by so many US Americans.
Clearly, there exists a humanitarian crisis in the United States. A Harvard Medical School study revealed that 44,000 people die annually in the United States due to a lack of access to affordable health care. This number dwarfs the amount of deaths that have occurred in Venezuela during that country’s economic crisis. These needless deaths from lack of affordable health care are occurring in a country that spends $700 billion annually on its military. Furthermore, 23 percent of children in the world’s richest nation live in poverty, according to a report published by UNICEF. The report ranks the 35 most economically advanced nations in the world with regard to child poverty and the United States places 34th on the list.
The United States also incarcerates more of its own citizens than any other nation. With 2.3 million prisoners, the ‘land of the free’ has more people in prison than China, which has a population four times the size of the United States. A quarter of the 2.3 million prisoners are in jail for non-violent drug offenses. The racist policies of the US legal system are made evident by the fact that, despite constituting only 13 percent of the nation’s drug users, Blacks represent 58 percent of imprisoned drug offenders. Systemic racism isn’t restricted to incarceration, it is also apparent in the state violence that kills a hugely disproportionate number of black men every year on the streets of US cities.
In declaring myself president of the United States, I wish to exhibit a level of honesty that appears to be beyond Venezuela’s self-appointed president Guaidó and the US government. I openly admit that I don’t really give a damn about the humanitarian crisis in the United States and realize that my coup attempt (Oops! I mean democratic self-appointment as president) will likely worsen the situation for millions of US Americans. My foreign backers also have no interest in seriously addressing this humanitarian crisis. I simply want power for myself and my cronies, while my foreign supporters only have eyes for our natural resources. I believe that this new democratic process requires at least this degree of honesty and transparency.
So, as the new self-declared president of the United States, I ask you all to no longer recognize former president Donald Trump as the leader of our great nation because he has been discredited both domestically and internationally—thanks in large part to the mainstream media. And, in accordance with another precedent set by Guaidó in Venezuela, I call on the heroic members of the US Armed Forces to no longer obey former president Trump and to instead recognize me as their new commander-in-chief. In fact, in the name of democracy, I ask all citizens of the world to recognize me as the new legitimate president of the United States of America.